The Art of Arguing

Ok, so clearly its been a minute since I wrote...sorry :(  I have been extremely busy, but I promise to do better.  Now that we have cleared the air...

I have been thinking...there are a lot of children who go into the adult world without a clue as to how to effectively argue.  Usually when we think of arguing, we think of shouting matches where insults are hurled at will, feelings get hurt and no one is understood.  This is not the type of arguing that I am speaking of.

What I mean is showing children how to use principles of an argument--listening, speaking clearly, clarifying statements, and resolving the issue--and effectively solve a problem.  As parents, we sometimes think that it is unhealthy for our children to see anything between the parental units that resembles discord.  We don't want to taint the "image" of a perfect life and union with an argument.  This in itself is a flawed mentality.

My mantra, 'We teach what we know' is very much at play here.  Our children look to us to teach them the things that they will need to know in order to make it in life.  We should teach them how to have a disagreement.  Again, this does not mean to teach them how to have an uncivilized shouting match.  It means that our children need to see some of the disagreements that we have in marriage and see how the disagreement is handled.  This does not mean that you take the most intimate topic and put it on the table for your 13 year old to get the latest tidbit of juicy gossip straight from her parents mouths.

On the contrary, it means that if you disagree about something, don't run and hide until the kids are in bed all the time (Understand that sometimes for quite a few topics this is the best method.).   If it is something small, maybe you can try to resolve it right then.  If it is not, allow limited discussion on the topic and later on, go off to yourselves and talk about it.  This may mean that you allow yourselves to be seen, but not available.  You may be in another room having the discussion with your significant other and the child enters with a question.  Simply say that you are discussing something with ____ (dad/mom, Jenny, Keisha, David, Joe, etc.) and that you will assist with whatever the situation may be when you finish.

This teaches the child two things:

1. Disagreements don't have to end up in shouting matches.
2. There are times when you will have disagreements and that is OK.

Additionally, no matter how good we think we are at hiding a disagreement, children know.  They sense it.  You might as well give them a good example to follow.  Show them that it is OK to disagree.  Let them know that anytime two people get together there are bound to be disagreements or misunderstandings. 

Finally, after all is said and done, don't forget to forgive and show your children that even though you disagreed you still love each other.  Don't let the sun go down on your anger.  Resolve that thing and let it go.  Forgiveness is one of the things that we take for granted, but is vital to our existence.  In the end, just make sure that your love for each other shines through.  Not only will you make a positive impact on your marriage, you will leave a lasting impression with the child.  He or she will understand "how" to argue and that when you love someone, you forgive and move on to your happily ever after...at least until the next disagreement.